So many men; so many minds. Whose opinion is the truest? How to assess and accept one’s vision with dignity and gratitude? What if you disagree? What if your critique is of yourself?
Usually, the voice of the inner critic sounds rigorously, as if our angry parents are still around chiding us for our bad behavior. From its opening words, one often starts feeling like a vulnerable little child, let alone defending their position against the critique. Meanwhile, you can be a fully mature, independent human being who has been making a living for years and be unable to judge your work objectively. If you happen to have a hard time analyzing your own writing impartially, you probably have an issue with an inner critic.
Disclaimer: this article is more of a psychological observation than a how-to guide. We’ll consider the dark side of writer’s superego, attempting to figure out how to find harmony and peace in one’s self.
Your Critical Inner Voice: a Foe or Ally?
Imagine yourself this scenario: you’ve made a mistake or done something wrong. A man comes along and tries to bully you by saying: “Look at you, loser. You’re worthless.” Or imagine a time when you were inspired, but someone said “You’ll fail. You can’t do it.” Probably, you’ll feel tense, get upset, even desperate, and will need some time to perk up your self-esteem. Or you might get resentful and push back.
Though reactions may vary, everybody takes no pleasure hearing criticism. At its best, it’s unpleasant; at its worst, it hurts. Insults, bullying, and devaluing make us feel bad, especially when it comes to people who play a significant role in our lives. We don’t appreciate these folks treating us so poorly. And it’s good that we feel this way!
Paradoxically, many people expect respect, acceptance and sympathy from others, while treating themselves exactly the opposite. They keep telling themselves: “You won’t make it” or “No one needs you” or “You’re nobody” for years. After doing so for a long time, they actually grow accustomed to having low self-esteem. This is how the reign of an inner critic often gets started. Whether you’re hypercritical to yourself, or just nitpicky, it’s high time to come face to face with your inner “foe” and make him your “ally.”
An Inner Critic – What Is It?
An inner critical voice is a part of the human mental faculty that deals with one’s control and assessment abilities. This part of the human’s psyche takes its roots from early childhood, relying on an individual’s personal experience. A little child can neither control, nor evaluate his/her actions and this function is carried out for them by adults, predominantly by the child’s loved ones. The way that they assess a child determines an individual’s inner critic in the future. This is how the rule works: what you say to your child today is what he or she will tell themselves later in life when they are grown.
The words of our dearest and nearest have a long-lasting effect on our mentality. If you try to recognize where your self-criticism comes from, you’re likely to recall exactly who said this or that phrase:
* Mom, am I beautiful? – “No, you’re average.”
* I got a B! – “OK. When will you get an A?”
* I want… – “Who cares?”
* This chair is mine! – “You don’t own anything in my house!”
Self-control and self-assessment per se have utterly crucial functions. Ideally, they provide safe and reliable support and sustainable personal boundaries with an adequate person’s self-image. For some reason, (such as neurotic interactions across generations or low level of psychological culture) the bright side of these functions may be blurred to the opposite. As a result, a person becomes a vulnerable and self-depreciative personality who says: “I’m an easy target. Any critique throws me out of gear.” Can we do anything about this syndrome? Luckily, we can.
As long as an inner critic is a part of our psyche, we can work with it. While the characters of other people are out of our influence, we’re entitled to do as we will with our own psyches. How to spot an inner critic? How to get along with self-assessment harmoniously and cope with our ups and downs? We can learn how to recognize and react accurately.
How to Spot Your Inner Critic?
- What does it do?
Actually, your critic has a lot of work: to blame, embarrass, humiliate, compare you with others, demand, ignore, insult, frighten, upset, doubt, make excuses, devalue, pick at your pressure points, mock, etc. If you think your inner critic is in a war with you, ask yourself what it’s doing right now? If you get an answer, it’s a sign that the self-condemnation process has begun.
- What does it say?
In general, the inner critic tells that you’re not good enough at something. This idea can be expressed through statements you might say yourself from time to time: “I’m a bad mother.” “I’m a terrible friend.” “I’m a fool, loser, nobody.” “Stop whining.” “It’s my fault.” “It’s useless, don’t even try.”
“Everyone copes better than you.” “You’re ugly, fat, and stupid.”
After analyzing such messages for a while, you will learn how to flag such sort of thoughts.
- What do you do with these thoughts?
It’s quite natural that, after all this self-questioning, you’ll experience nasty feelings. These emotions can result in a desire to hide and cry, in a readiness to push back, in the tendency to swallow offense, in procrastination or even in the readiness to earn recognition.
For instance, some behavior patterns might be:
Make a mistake – blame yourself – try to prove that you’re the best.
Fail – blame yourself – start procrastinating (stagnation + a fear to act).
Got rejected – decided you deserved it – fell into gloom.
A person will act depending on their temperament, along with individual defense mechanisms. So it’s crucial to recognize yours.
- When does it activate?
Inner criticism is always inside us, showing up at any time. There are times, though, when the chances are much higher.
These are moments of insecurity:
- When we go through failure.
- When we re-live denial or rejection.
- When we face the unknown.
- While we wait for someone’s feedback.
- When we’re in a low-asset condition (tired, disappointed, sick).
During these episodes, it’s especially important to remember the following:
- Understand how your critic usually behaves.
- Listen closely and get what the inner critic says.
- Pay attention to your feelings and notice what you usually feel when these thoughts arise in your head.
- Remember that this is just your criticism, not you as a whole.
- Remember that this position is neither objective, nor true.
- Try to feel thankful, and ask the inner critic how this or that point can be of use.
According to Stinckens, by “paying attention to the critic’s feelings and concerns and valorizing these, the critic will feel less of a need to constantly manifest itself; it will feel that it is being.” This method works, since such observation is not only about boosting self-respect and self-care, but also about the chance to see things from a different perspective. So, changing the role of an inner critic is a lengthy and thoughtful process. Considering this information, asking yourself the above-listed questions, along with mindful self-observation, is a big step toward a harmonious and productive existence.
From Harsh Self-Criticism to Objective Self-Critique
Being well-versed in your own type of self-criticism, you’re probably able to more easily see a critique as an intention to improve (as a fair judgment with reasonable comments), rather than only a self-critical attempt to protect yourself from failure. In the latter case, this is what your inner critic does if you haven’t managed to get along with them. By getting cooperating with the critic, you may actually receive good advice.
Human nature is prone to judgement. By assessing something, we determine its value. For instance, when asking ourselves whether a book is good, we’re likely to compare it with other books. Evaluation leads us to improvement, helps us survive, and urges us to choose a better life. Throughout our daily existence, judgments prove their worth: people are apt to assess every detail about things, events or individuals and label them accordingly.
Without conscious evaluation, however, things merely exist. An object itself has no value unless an observer creates a point of view about it. For example:
Adorable — One’s mind produces a pleasant response while perceiving certain visual/acoustic signal from an object.
Durable — An object saves its initial for a long time (and is probably useful for an owner).
Useful — An object serves its purpose.
Heavy — One’s muscles strain to hold or lift an object, etc.
Similarly, evaluation includes the capacity to view things either as facts or as points of view.
To sum it up, providing critical analysis is not only about giving negative feedbacks (which are, by the way, the easiest way to learn from), but also about encouraging remarks to bring optimism and hope. Technically, credits and praise aren’t that useful, though they serve to dampen negative feedback. The most crucial thing is to realize that the power of judgment is inside us. An uncertain mind treats every single opinion as a reproach, whereas for a self-sufficient mind, every comment is a chance for improvement and gratitude. What type of mind do you have?
